Around 3 minutes, although on an awesome day I might get lucky and score 5 (if I throw the Ipad at my daughter and let my son cry in his crib). That is about the typical length of time I get to myself in sporadically occurring blocks. Hence why my blog posts are short enough that you can read them while pooping and I bet you are not doing that alone either.
I tell my daycare lady I will be there at 9:00 am and as usual I am always 15-30 minutes late. I can see her laughing at the phone when I text to say I am running late AGAIN! Why is it that everything with children takes so goddamn long and by the time I actually get out of my house it looks like a bomb exploded. I pray that we don’t die on the highway because if someone had to come into my house afterward they would assume that I have the worst luck because as if it wasn’t bad enough that I was killed on the highway but an intruder also broke in and destroyed the place we called home!
Most days my list of accomplishments includes showering and writing half an email response for work that should have gone out 2 days ago. I wish I knew the secret to getting a lot done. I see some moms killing it on the getting shit done like a boss level and am in awe of all they do. I have those days every once in a while where things just flow and my to-do list is full of crossed out items. But let’s be honest most days with little ones are a wash and I have come to realize you just gotta live for the small victories like the fact you cooked a homemade meal and are not eating McDonald’s for the third day in a row…not that there is anything wrong with that. I mean, the kid is fed, has a new toy and is now in a grease coma for at least the next 4 hours for the low cost of $5. Maybe now you can get shit done or catch up on Netflix… A total win in my opinion.
So this brings me to things I just don’t have time for….
- Cleaning my house myself – I can tidy but the deep clean kills me, so I just don’t! Yes, I will sacrifice buying that new shirt so I don’t have to clean my own toilets. Even if I cleaned houses for a living I still wouldn’t clean my own…crazy you say…well then you have never left the house for 4 hours grabbed a coffee, did a little sight-seeing and then came home and magically there are no longer pee dribbles on your toilet seat from your 3-year-old or baby food caked onto your island. It is like a magical fairy princesses came to your rescue and took care of it for you. I feel a sense of accomplishment coming home to a clean house when in reality I did nothing. Tell me a better feeling!
- Putting my kids in a ton of extracurricular activities at a young age – Some kids have activities daily and to those parents, I salute you. You are running your ass off for those little shits that don’t yet appreciate all you do for them and for what…a participation medal! This is why I try to limit it to one sport per season and swimming lessons (which are a must because it is a survival skill). But there is no way I am putting Lily in more that one sport. She is 3 and lays down on the soccer field while others kick the ball around her…enough said, not worth the stress. There will be plenty of time to drive her ass to sports when she actually gives a shit.
- Spring/ Summer Hockey/ 3 on 3 (whatever the fuck that is and in my opinion sounds slightly sexual) – While on the subject of sports, I thought hockey was a winter sport….WTF is this year round shit. Now as Lily doesn’t play hockey yet, I am sure I am setting myself up to write a post in a few years redacting this statement and titled…If your kid isn’t playing summer hockey you might as well just quit. So, for now, I will just be acting as that mom that judges before she has been there done that (ahem converted IPAD mom here – sorry Leah). To be clear it is not that I am judging year round hockey moms at all, it is more of my deepest sympathies for you. I imagine it would be similar to teachers no longer getting the summer off and having to teach year round. Eventually, that shit would drive you crazy. So I really hope that if Lily plays hockey the other kids don’t tell her it goes all year and I can avoid going to the rink in jean shorts and a tank. Although a win for the dads there(cold weather and perky nips) not ideal for me and my scheduled beach time.
- Doing my laundry– Correction doing my entire families laundry. I can put it in the washer and even get it to the dryer. Folding happens on occasion but I FUCKING hate putting that shit away. Stay tuned for my post…Purging your closet….you should be ashamed of yourself for all the ugly shit you bought and didn’t wear.
- The gym or any exercise for that matter– I really really want to be fit and feel great but I cannot wake the beast inside me. Is there some secret I am missing? I am not sure when women find that extra hour to get their pump on. I guess I will have to be ok with my skinny-fat body where the skin slightly hangs off my body. In the odd picture, my right arm might be mistaken as muscular but only because of the angle and the fact I am holding my 26 lb 8-month-old and I like every other parent on the universe favors one side for lifting said child. Is the trade off of having one ripped arm for photo purposes worth the lifetime of damage I am doing to the right side of my body…probably not.
My list could go on about a hundred points but I don’t want to bore you! So to all you moms out there that manage to get shit done… even the little meaningless shit…You are amazing! I am still trying to figure out how to make time for everything and I have come to the conclusion that you just can’t do it all and we all have our own list of shit we ain’t got time for. What’s on your list!?
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